Dear America

Everyone else here is writing "Dear New Orleans" posts this month. I feel the need to write a "Dear America" post. I've tried really hard to refrain from Katrina anniversary posts. But some make it impossible to do so. So here we go.

Dear America: Shut up. No, really. Until you are also willing to judge everyone who lives in an area that could be hit by a tornado (which could really be any of us, if bad luck strikes; but Kansas and the rest of tornado alley, I'm giving you the side-eye in particular right now). Unless you're also willing to judge everyone who lives in any area where there are mudslides, volcanic eruptions, earthquakes, massive river floods, forest fires, etc.--did I miss anything? Oh, yeah--TSUNAMIS. Just. Shut. Up.

Facts: there were ZERO rapes and murders at the Superdome after Katrina. There were ZERO rapes and murders at the Convention Center after Katrina. Did people die? Yes. One guy killed himself at the dome. One man was shot in the back by police at the convention center bc he begged them for help. The cops claim he came at them aggressively. His name was Danny Brumfield. Look it up. Did people die? Yes. From heat exhaustion and no food or water for five days. Or, by, you know, DROWNING.


Fifth Grader

"I'm only letting you take this picture so I'll have memories to look back on."


The Rainbow Bridge

I am sad to report that Phil, one of the feeder fish we won with a ping pong ball at the Atchafalaya catfish festival, has passed on to that great pond in the sky. Emmeline conducted a lovely ceremony for him, and we honored his short, sweet, wet life. Steve, our other feeder fish, is recovering in the loving fins of our other goldfish, Dorothy, Elmo, and Oscar. Long live Steve.


Why Your Team Sucks

This article made me cackle. Who Dat, bitches.

"As Drew Brees enters his twilight years we’re totally fucked. Brees could kill and eat a baby on local tv and we would throw a parade for him. We’re going to keep him around until he’s just a pile of parts tweeting out ads for his Jimmy John’s franchises."


Texts from Kara

Texts from Kara. Bc it's been awhile. And I'm missing her hard tonight. And bc giraffes.



Kenny: I came THIS CLOSE to buying a toilet at Lowe's.
Me: But we don't need a toilet. We have one.
Kenny: I know, but they were ON CLEARANCE. They were on sale from $300 to $100.
Me: But we don't need a toilet. We have one.


Notorious BIGGER?

After successfully lip syncing Forgot about Dre on my porch, Kenny and I have decided that I should quit my job and become a rapper. Now I just need a rap name....


Palin, Where Art Thou?

I like the GOP debates better when the audience cheers for letting people without health insurance die. Is that coming up?