30 Minutes with a Four-Year-Old, or Short Attention Span Theater

Last night, during a viewing of Merry Madagascar, I decided to record everything Emmeline said in the 20-or-so minutes it takes to watch a pre-recorded, 30-minute show. This is for those of you who think I'm exaggerating when I say that if Emmeline's awake, she's talking.

8:00 p.m.
E: Mommy, why do they have bananas?
Me: I guess so they can eat them, sweetie.

8:01 p.m.
E: Mommy, how did they make that balloon?
Me: You'll learn that in chemistry class, dear.
E: Look, Mommy! Melman's head is on fire!


8:02 p.m.
E: Mommy, why did he say "hee hee hee?"
Me: Because he thought it was funny.
E: Mommy, when I grow up, I want to be a fireman.
Me: That's a great idea, honey.

8:03 p.m.
E: Mommy, do you know what that lemur's name is?
Me: Um, no.

8:04 p.m.
E: Do you know what the lemur on the tree said, Mommy? He said, "The red knight is coming!" And then the other lemur said something else!
Me: Mmmm hmmmm.

8:05 p.m.
Fast forward through commercials.

8:06 p.m.
E: Mommy, I want to sit in your lap.
Climbs into my lap.E: Wow! Now I'm up high!

8:07 p.m.
Bangs head into my chin, causing my tongue to go into my teeth and causing severe pain. I get up and leave the room for the commercials, trying not to swear out loud.

8:09 p.m.
E: Look at what Alex did, Mommy!
Me: Mmmm.

8:10 p.m.
E: Mommy, could you get me a drink of water?

8:11 p.m.
E: Look Mommy, I put my reindeer antlers on!

8:12 p.m.
E: Merry Madagascar, Mommy!

8:13 p.m.
Pulls down pajama pants, sticks butt in my face, and sings "Shake Your Booty."

8:14 p.m.
E: Mommy, why can they see it?
Me: See what?
E: See that!
Me: See what?
E: The bump on Santa's head.
Me: Because they can.

8:16 p.m.
E: Mommy, what's a head wound?
Me: Ummm. When you get a boo-boo on your head.

8:17 p.m.
Fast forward through commercials.

8:18 p.m.
Me: Emmeline, please move your water away from the computer.
Me: Emmeline, did you hear me say to please move your water away from the computer?
Moves water.E: Mommy, I'll be right back.
Runs into room.

8:19 p.m.
Comes back with blanket and purse and builds a nest on the floor.
Changes plans and shoves blanket into gingerbread purse.
E: Now, Mommy, when I take this purse somewhere, my kitty will be warm and snug with her blanket. But Mommy, why soon can we not have a picnic outside?
Me: Because it's cold outside right now, sweetie.
E: No, I mean when it's warmer.
Me: Okay. Maybe we can.

8:20 p.m.
E: I sure wish I could have a lemur for Christmas.
Pulls out unicorn (one of those horseheads on a stick) and proceeds to gallop around living room, making unicorn noises.E: Look, Mommy, that's a skeleton on the tv!
Pulls out barbie doll.

8:21 p.m.
E: Did he say naked, Mommy?
Have given up on responding at this point, other than lots of mmms, head nods, etc.

8:22 p.m.
Makes Barbie doll walk across the table.
E: I wish I'd played with my Barbie dolls more tonight.
Me: Well, it's too late now. Maybe tomorrow.

8:23 p.m.
Me: Emmeline, you don't need to pull out a bunch of toys right now. It's almost bedtime.
Discovers a toy that plays music and plays it.
Pulls out a teddy bear and sticks it in purse.

8:24 p.m.
Me: Emmeline, did you hear me say not to pull out a bunch of toys right now?
E: Yeah.
Pulls blocks out of toy box.Me: Then what are you doing?
E: I just want to make a little tower.
Me: No. Not right now. Put the toys back, please.

8:25 p.m.
Pouts while putting toys up, then discovers Madagascar coloring book and pulls it out with a big grin.
E: Look, Mommy, it's Alex!
Me: Emmeline, put the toys and coloring book away.
E: Mommy, what does this page say?

8:26 p.m.
Me: Emmeline, put the toys and coloring book away. Now.
E: But what does this page say?
Me: Emmeline, put the toys and coloring book away. NOW.

8:27 p.m.
Me: Okay, time to get ready for bed!
E: I don't have a mouse.
Me: What?
E: I wish Santa would bring me a mouse.
Me: Well, maybe he will. Okay. Bed time.

8:28-8:45 p.m.
Wash face, brush teeth, say prayers, read book, assure Emmeline that Santa isn't hiding under the bed or in the closet, even though he can see her while she's sleeping.

8:46 p.m.
Collapse on couch.

And people wonder why the mothers of pre-schoolers are exhausted all of the time....