Year 1

I thought I was going to be all brave today. I thought I had done all of the crying and grieving that a person could possibly do in a year's time. That although I would be missing Kara today, and thinking about this anniversary, that I wouldn't cry. But then Van Morrison came on the radio, singing "everything I do, reminds me of you." And I had to sit in the parking garage at work and bawl, just like I did a year ago today.

Then, someone at my side says, "There, she is gone."
Gone where?
Gone from my sight. That is all.

Year 1 is done. On to year 2. Spent tonight having sushi w Krissie and watching Beverly get her Kara Lynn Morgan tattoo. And then watched a crane meander across the street in a place where cranes are not supposed to be. I'll take it. I hope we've done you proud. I miss you. I love you.

Muddling

Things we have muddled through without you: your birthday; your funeral; space camp; head lice; Saints pre-season; the obligatory Katrinaversary; Saints regular season; no Saints post-season; trading a bunch of Saints; keeping Marques Colston (HOFSTRA, bitches); Darren Sharper; Mike Smith being fired; Rob Ryan being kept; Cris freaking Collinsworth being the announcer for the Saints/Cowboys game; Halloween and trick or treating; Krewe of Boo (although none of us went); Bill Cosby; Thanksgiving; Genevieve; Christmas; New Year's Eve; Twelfth Night; Joey's birthday; Stuart Smith dying; Beverly's birthday; Krewe du Vieux; parades, parades, PARADES; and parades, always parades; Al's death; Emmeline and Beau's birthdays; St. Patrick's Day and the resultant PARADES; St. Joseph's night; Easter; French Quarter Fest; Darren Sharper, again; Jazz Fest; Mother's Day; Trey's birthday; fourth grade; ISL PARADE; your NOLAversary; Krissie's birthday; Obamacare affirmed; an engagement in Houston; my birthday; gay marriage legalized. And crying. Lots of crying. But also, laughter, and love, and Kara-ing on. And now, in a little over a week, it will be your birthday again. Preceded just one day by the anniversary of your death. And we will do it all over again. I miss you. I love you. It will never be the same, but we still laugh and we still love. And I love an amazing bunch of people, all of whom I met through you. Thank you.

Grief Anniversary

Grief Anniversary - E.B. Wexler

“anniversary” implies that I do not have grief the other 364 days

I do.

But as the date approaches

I feel, slowly arising

The original grief

The breath sucked out of me when I got the news over the phone.

The early grief

Walking around in a daze, wondering where she went

How things would be now

She was 31

She was my “person”

And it was out of the blue.

I have not been the same since. And I don’t want to be….

Stuart Scott

I avoided posting on this all day, but Jesus, I'm sad that Stuart Scott died. This speech was so beautiful and came into my life at a time when I needed to hear it most, two days after losing my friend.

"I also realized something else recently; you heard me kind of allude to it in the piece. I said, ‘I’m not losing. I’m still here. I’m fighting. I’m not losing.’ But I gotta amend that. When you die, that does not mean that you lose to cancer. You beat cancer, by how you live, why you live, and in the manner in which you live.”

Stuart and Kara beat cancer.

Texts from Kara, Part 5

Texts from Kara, Part 4

Vera Lynn

Does anybody here remember Vera Lynn? Remember how she said that we would meet again, some sunny day? Vera, Vera, what has become of you? Does anybody else in here feel the way I do ?

Texts from Kara, Part 3

Another text from Kara. Because we crack me up.

You and Me Miss Her

Kara On

It's been 2 months and 11 days. I'm supposed to be over it, right? That's the protocol for mourning. You're allowed to talk about it for a couple of weeks, three at most, and then you're supposed to be done.

But I'm not done.  I still bring you up on a daily basis in conversation with other friends, and I can tell, to a certain extent, that it makes them uncomfortable. And I don't bring you up to make them uncomfortable. I bring you up because you were a very important part of my life for eight years, and you're still a part of my life, even if you're not here physically anymore.

I don't know how to do this. I just don't. I can go a few days and function normally, but then BOOM--it all comes back. I suppose that I'm still in that stage where I can pretend that it's just been a couple of days since we've actually talked, and I can deal with that. But then the fact that you're gone--that you're really gone, and that I will never talk to you again, always comes seeping back into my consciousness. And I weep. Or I try not to weep, depending on the company I'm keeping at the time.

I've found that I'm at my best when I'm either alone or with "our people." I have isolated myself to the extreme over the past two months and 11 days, just because it hurts so much. When I'm alone, I can talk to you, even if that sounds crazy to other people. Sure, you don't answer back, necessarily, but it still helps--just to talk to you.

Bereft

In my Lucia's absence

Life hangs upon me, and becomes a burden; 

I am ten times undone, while hope, and fear,

And grief, and rage and love rise up at once.

And with variety of pain distract me.

--Joseph Addison

Memory Notes

Will the Circle be Unbroken

I have traveled close behind her, tried to hold on and be brave.
But I could not hide my sorrow when they laid her in the grave.

Kara Lynn Morgan

Obituary

Three Little Birds

Although Kara was one of the most positive and joyous people I've ever known, one of the many things I loved about her was our shared black humor. If I was running late for a Mardi Gras parade this year, she would text me and tell me something like she was having stomach pains and I should hurry up and get there. After her brain surgery, she asked me if it was horrible that she was sort of excited about losing 15 pounds. At some point along the way in the past 16 months since her diagnosis, "Three Little Birds" became our song. We were constantly texting each other that "every little thing's gonna be alright." The fact that Bob Marley died of melanoma was not lost on us. Now, when I listen to it, weird as it may sound, it feels like a message from Kara Lynn Morgan. Every little thing is gonna be alright, although it will be a while. I miss you. I love you.

Kara

I'm going to try to write this post without reverting to the words that describe my mood best right now--maudlin, morose, mournful, mad. All of those wonderfully descriptive M words. Maudlin, in particular. But, who am I kidding?

Last Tuesday night, I lost my best friend. And I've wept more in the past month than I probably have in years, because we all knew it was coming. I've thought a lot about that, recently--whether it's better to know that the death of a loved one is coming, like Kara's, or for it to take you by complete surprise, like a Mack truck ran into you, as it was with my brother's accidental death 13 years ago. And although they're both terrible in their own ways, I guess I've decided that an anticipatory death beats out a sudden one, just barely. Because at least you get the chance to say goodbye.

I won't rehash the beginnings of my and Kara's friendship. If you really want to know, you can read about it here. I guess just suffice it to say that, for now at least, I feel completely bereft. (Even though she's playing our song as I type this--every little thing's gonna be alright.)

Texts from Kara, Part 1

Fear and Faith

As I'm sure I've mentioned before, after Katrina, life in New Orleans kinda sorta sucked for awhile. In addition to accepting the unbelievable as commonplace, it was damn lonely. Don't get me wrong, the camaraderie that everyone felt here for one another was amazing. The guy standing in line with you at the grocery store became your new best friend as you shared your flood stories, as did that guy who worked on the 11th floor whom you'd never spoken to before, after four years of working at the same place, the clerk at the gas station, and any other random stranger you might sit next to in a bar. That part was one of the most uplifting things I've ever been a part of.

But there was also loneliness, and a lot of it--at least for me.  As someone who had no family in New Orleans, other than my husband and daughter, I oftentimes felt jealous of the huge connection that all of the locals here had with their families. They all had dinner together every Friday night, it was nothing to drop your newborn off at your mama's house for the weekend  (sooo jealous) so that you could go out with your friends and have fun, etc. Through the pre-Katrina years, I made a lot of friends here--friends who I now call family. But after Katrina, they all moved away.

For A Friend

Gone From My Sight
--Henry Van Dyke

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship, at my side,
spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts
for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck
of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.

Then, someone at my side says, "There, she is gone"

Gone where?

Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast,
hull and spar as she was when she left my side.
And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me -- not in her.
And, just at the moment when someone says, "There, she is gone,"
there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices
ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!"

And that is dying...